Loss

In February 2009, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  The next six months were focused on surgery and treatment. During that time, one of the dearest, most interesting members of my book club, Elaine, was also diagnosed with breast cancer.  We walked, laughed, cried and wailed against the shock of living healthy lives and still having cancer.  Elaine and I became friends and confidantes. I looked forward to our times together. We were both surprised when we realized that our conversations no longer featured our common illness, but instead focused on life and its boundless choices. Books, family, gardens, travel, people, wine, food, politics...there were no limits to the things we talked about.  We had long phone calls, talking about our day, shaking with laughter, full of happiness for our renewed sense of control over our health and lives.
Then, last month, while on a short trip to the Oregon coast, Elaine's stomach was bothering her.  Within three weeks, she was dead from a very aggressive, vicious form of cancer that attacked her abdominal organs. It happened so fast that the doctors were unable to start any treatment or surgery. The entire book club was stunned!
The loss of Elaine is tremendous. Not only are her wry comments and point of view missed by the members of the book club, but also her missing friendship is ache for which there is no cure. To find a friend, a true friend, for which no explanations are necessary, is a treasure. And to develop a friendship as an adult is a rarity few experience. I grieve Elaine's passing and think of all the things that cancer has robbed her of. I am saddened that the unexpected partner that walked with me during some of my darkest days is no longer there to help hold the lantern lighting the path of life.
So, I ask you, whom do you call when the phone is disconnected?

I am the Mother of Two

I am the Mother of Two

A recent glimpse of the people in my village. These people pulled me through my darkest days. I am forever in their debt.

News

It has been two years since my diagnosis and resulting surgery and radiation. I am fit and happy. It would be a bold-faced lie to say that thoughts of cancer have been banished from my day to day existence. Whenever there is an odd ache or pain, I get the fleeting feeling that the scourge has returned. Most days are joyous and productive. We got a new dog to keep us company and encourage postive thoughts of wellness. Each day is a gift.

Summer!

The temperature is finally over 77* on my deck. I am too happy to think of cancer! Let the sun shine and let it shine on me!

Now what?

Since my last entry, another woman dear to my heart was diagnosed with the horrible scourge known as breast cancer. Another woman! This is insanity. She, too, did everything correctly: exercise, no smoking, healthy eating, hobbies, friendships...everything she did was in accordance to the experts on how to protect herself from cancer and yet, cancer found her.

Cancer lurks in dark doorways. It creeps up silently. It waits for the most inopportune time and then it pounces.

If you love a woman or if you are a woman, get your mammogram when you should. Protect yourself from this horrible villain.

Today

Today at Costco, after swinging through the refrigerated produce department, Michael and I cruised through the vitamins. Knowing we were almost out, I picked up a bottle of Vitamin D. The label prominently displayed "Supports Bone, Colon, Muscle, Immune, and BREAST Health" BREAST health! I am very concerned about breast health! I have changed the way I wear perfume, deodorant, lotions, and creams. I have switched to green detergents. I eat organic vegetables. I get mammograms. I do a monthly exam. I wear super supportive bras. Breast health, in a bottle? Breast health found in a vitamin? I am all over that! In fact, I am so over that I bought two bottles of Vitamin D, thank you very much. I hope it's just that easy.

Days go by

Sometimes an entire day will pass and cancer doesn't even enter my mind-not once! Yes, after the anguish of last year, I can go full days without thinking of cancer.

Then, there are days when the idea of cells in my body running amock, attempting to destroy everything in their path, weighs on me like the sins of the world. I become immobile, blind to all but the unsettled feeling that the scurge may return. All logic and intelligence pack their travelling cases and leave me to steep in fear and illogical thinking.

I have no idea why some days are spent in the full light of health and healthy thinking and other days I cannot see beyond the gloom. I imagine that such thinking is all part of dealing with cancer.

I don't hide the fact that I hate cancer and the cruel tricks it plays. But I love the strength of victory and survival. And I AM VICTORIOUS!